Ever feel so angry at your kids or grandkids that you think: “I’m a terrible parent or grandparent”? Do you want to be calm but get frustrated often? You are not alone. Your deep love and commitment to your children is unquestionable.
Parenting is an extremely rewarding task. However, its high demands may not let you see it that way. It is natural to feel overwhelmed when you are trying to balance family, work, and your emotions. So, the easiest way out can be getting angry at the kids.
It doesn’t make you a bad parent by any chance, though. It means you are a human who gets exhausted from the life’s pressures—and perhaps internalised past hurtful experiences. Anger is a sign that you need to widen your perspectives and equip yourself with some powerful emotional regulation tools.
This blog highlights:
- The true origins of parental anger.
- Why managing anger can feel so difficult?
- Practical strategies on how to control anger with kids and respond calmly.
Why Controlling Anger with Kids Is So Hard (Especially When You Care Deeply)
Do you think spilled milk or scattered toys are the causes of your anger? Not exactly. Actually, these events are the tip of your emotional iceberg. Wat is beneath the surface? Layers of:
- Stress
- Fear
- Overstimulation
- A strong sense of powerlessness
Parenting can trigger your nervous system’s fight-or-flight response, making it hard to stay calm in challenging moments. Stress often builds up over time, leaving your nervous system on high alert and in need of a reset.
An Australian study found that children whose parents are under more daily pressures have poor mental health. This means that your child’s defiant behaviour might trigger you more if you are already exhausted.
Why? Because your high alert nervous system sees kids’ tantrums as threats. So, it reacts with fight-or-flight. As a result, you cannot fathom how to control anger with kids in that moment. **
You are not a bad parent—you are just overwhelmed.
Anger Due to Past Hurts
Parenting can also re-open old wounds. Were you punished when you cried or acted stubborn in childhood? This snubbing behaviour of the parents can make children feel unsafe.
You may carry this insecurity into adulthood. As a result, you might repeat that negative reaction with your own kids.
For example: A Brisbane mum, S. was triggered by her son saying “no” to every chore she asked him to do. She would yell at him but feel crushing guilt afterwards.
Eventually, she found out that his behaviour brought back memories of her strict upbringing. She learned how to control anger with kids once she realised this.
Most parents who often get angry at their kids aren’t cruel. They are emotionally exhausted people who never learned how to stay calm under pressure. They care for their kids deeply. That’s why their “naughty” behaviour can feel like a personal failure.
The Parental Anger Triggers
That Lego piece under your big toe is not a trigger but a cause. Common triggers for parental anger usually are:
- Feeling Disrespected: Children talking back can hit you like a personal insult.
- Child “Not Listening”: You may feel powerless or unseen when they ignore you.
- Sensory Overwhelm: Kids make noise and demands. Constant chaos can push you to your limits.
- Unmet Needs: Parenting can feel harder if you are emotionally unstable. Also, you may get frustrated quickly if you haven’t rested enough.
These triggers often relate to your childhood experiences. Were you forced to suppress your childhood “big” feelings? In that case, your child’s emotions might make you feel insecure.
So, you may try to shut them down so you don’t have to deal with their hurt. Similarly, you might shame them if you were punished in childhood.
For example: Client J. noticed his daughter’s whining surged his anger. Our sessions helped him realise that it happened because his own emotions were shut off in early years. He understood how to control anger with kids better when he made this past-present connection.
Your Inner Child May Be the One Reacting—Not the Adult You
Your strong reaction to your child’s behavior might actually be an emotional flashback. Instead of responding to what’s happening right now, you could be triggered by an old, unresolved hurt from the past.
What Actually Happens
You may react strongly by:
- Yelling
- Shutting down
- Over-controlling
It happens because a protective part of your psyche tries to keep you safe from an old pain. That pain may not even be relevant any more. Nonetheless, your subconscious mind remembers the feeling.
Here’s why:
- Emotional triggers happen when present events remind your subconscious of past hurt or danger (e.g. childhood criticism, rejection, chaos).
- Your brain (especially the amygdala) can’t always distinguish past from present in stress. So, it activates protective reactions.
- These protective responses are meant to help you avoid the same pain again — even if they are unhelpful now.
So, strong reactions or protective strategies are developed in your subconscious a long time ago.
The problem is, they often don’t fit your current reality. Instead, they can harm relationships — especially with your child. That’s why you must learn how to control anger with kids to heal those old wounds. This can help you respond more calmly in the present.
For example:
- Your child cries → you feel irritated because your family saw crying as a weakness.
- Your child makes a mistake → you shame them because you felt “not good enough.”
- Your child says “no” → you get angry because your elders saw you setting boundaries as rudeness.
Neuroscience research confirms that your body stores emotional memories. Your conscious mind may not be able to recall the exact events but they are there.
Your child’s emotions might seem like portals to the past where your emotional expression was snubbed. So, your brain jumps into survival mode to protect you from hurt.
Case file: L. was an exhausted working mum. She felt powerless in front of her son’s tantrums. Turned out, she relived her own insecure childhood emotions. She began learning to sooth her inner child and find her anger with kids is way reduced.
Why Suppressing or Exploding Isn’t the Answer?
You may get these types of advice often. Don’t take them. They are actually traps that can make you more angry:
- “Just stay calm” → You cannot force calm. Instead, you may become emotionally numb. This can build resentment inside you.
- “Let it all out” → Yelling may feel cathartic. However, it can harm your children emotionally.
Research says that suppressed emotions can increase stress. Children may become emotionally unstable if you force them to “bottle their tantrums.” Also, they might feel insecure around you.
Your kids don’t need picture-perfect parents. They need parents who can process their own emotions healthily.
You must understand your anger instead of dumping it on your kids.
For example: E. was an overworked single mum. She felt like she had to choose between being a monster or an emotionally numb robot.
The right treatment helped her see a third option—regulate her emotions to respond calmly.
How to Control Anger with Kids (Without Shame or Self-Blame)
Here are 5 practical steps to help you learn how to control anger with kids:
1. Find the Origin of Anger
Understand where the anger came from in the first place. You may think it’s from your unhappy relationship with your partner. But most of the time, the anger can be stemmed from childhood. You might have built up anger from your parents as you witnessed their unhappy relationship.
Research shows that trauma can pass through generations.
Practice saying: “I return this anger back to where it belongs with love. I choose to be calm.”
Our client T. used hypnotherapy to let go of his father’s rage. He was able to be more patient with his own kids after that release.
2. Pause Before You React
Does your heart race when you are angry? Note that because it can mean that your fight-or-flight reaction is on. Regulate Your Nervous System before you react. Pause if it happens.
Ground yourself:
- Place your feet flat on the floor.
- Put a hand on your heart.
- Exhale slowly.
Try the 4-7-8 breathing technique to activate your parasympathetic nervous system:
- Inhale for 4 counts
- Hold for 7
- Exhale for 8 counts
You can learn havening too. It is a gentle self-touch method. It can calm your nervous system immediately because it disturbs your usual stress responses.
Case: A client C. used havening to stop mid-yell. Eventually, she learned how to control anger with kids and stay calm.
3. Name the Real Emotion Underneath the Anger
You maybe using anger to hide your vulnerability.
So, question yourself when your child ignores you:
“What am I really feeling?”
Your answer maybe:
- Tired
- Sad
- Powerlessness
- Invisibility
- Fear (e.g. fear of failure)
One client J. realised his anger came from feeling unseen. His rage outbursts reduced when he found out the name of his feelings.
4. Get Curious About the Pattern
Notice when you react the most:
- Tired
- Hungry
- Overwhelmed
Ask yourself:
- “Who made me feel this way in my childhood?”
- “What is familiar about this reaction?”
Hypnotherapy can help you recognise and work with subconscious thoughts. So, you don’t respond automatically i.e. angrily. Instead, you can stay calm because you have resolved your hidden negative feelings.
5. Repair the Connection After You Mess Up
No parent is perfect. So, focus on repairing your child when you lose your temper.
Say: “I am sorry I shouted at you. It wasn’t your fault—I was overwhelmed.”
Research shows sincere apologies can make people more resilient.
Case: Client R. apologised to her son after scolding him harshly. It strengthened their bond. It also showed her son that she was emotionally responsible.
Client Story 1 – “I Thought I Was Failing as a Mum”
Tammy was a mum who felt like a failure.
Why?
She often screamed at her daughter because she felt too exhausted. Her daughter had started to mimic her behaviour. This made Tammy guilty. As a result, she screamed more.
MIHH’s Intervention
We planned hypnotherapy sessions for her. This method helped her recognise that her behaviour came from her insecurities. She was dismissed as a child when she showed her emotions. Since then, she tend to stuff her emotions inward because showing emotions is unsafe. When she became a mum, she found herself lashed out onto her son.
She went on to understand where her anger came from originally and learn nervous system regulation to keep calm under pressure. Also, she benefitted from inner child work to pacify her younger self. This approach helped her repair the relationship with herself and the relationship with her son.
Now, she parents with calm and connection.
Client Story 2 – “The Anger Is Not There Anymore.”
Shelly is a loving grandmother caring for her grandson. He has big emotions and serious anger issues.
Additionally, she worries about her daughter who is trying to get out of an abusive relationship while fighting for the kid’s custody.
Shelly felt completely burnt out.
“I am angry all the time. I swear in my head constantly. And I feel like I have no time for myself.”
She worried her anger made her a bad grandparent. Also, she was afraid that she might pass that anger down to her grandson.
The Real Roots of Anger
During our session, I guided Shelly into a gentle hypnotic state where she could safely explore her feelings.
We uncovered something surprising:
- Shelly’s anger didn’t start with her grandson.
- As a little girl, she grew up in a loud, chaotic home with parents who fought constantly.
- She learned to keep quiet, hide her feelings, and avoid making things worse.
- She even dreamed of becoming a Buddhist nun—imagining herself in an orange robe, craving peace and silence far away from conflict.
“I have always felt like I was born into the wrong family and culture.”
We went deeper into her family history. Her mother had grown up afraid, dealing with an alcoholic brother and never fully becoming an independent adult. Her grandmother had survived the Great Depression, hoarding food and believing the world wasn’t safe.
All these old fears and patterns had been passed down—and were living inside Shelly, flaring up as anger whenever life felt overwhelming.
How the Shift Happened
Here is where the session became truly life-changing.
- Returning Burdens:Shelly imagined giving back all the fears and burdens she’d inherited from her mother and grandmother. She realized that carrying everyone else’s pain wasn’t her job.
- Understanding Her Soul’s Purpose:We explored a powerful idea: before coming into this life, Shelly’s soul had chosen her family so she could learn compassion and become the “glue” that held people together. Suddenly, her painful past made sense in a new way.
- Discovering Her Gift:Shelly connected with a beautiful image of compassion as a glowing light—green, yellow, and orange—shining in her heart. This became her anchor and inner resource.
As Shelly embraced this gift, her body softened. Her face relaxed. And the anger that had felt so overwhelming just… dissolved.
“The anger is not there anymore. I want to focus on using my compassion.”
She left the session feeling peaceful, hopeful, and ready to show up differently for her grandson—without losing herself or feeling like a failure.
The Lesson for Parents (and Grandparents)
Shelly’s story shows that anger with kids often isn’t just about spilled milk or tantrums. It’s about:
- Old wounds and family patterns we carry for years—or generations.
- Exhaustion from always taking care of others and never ourselves.
- Guilt and fear that she feels failing as parents or grandparents.
Here’s the truth:
You are not a terrible parent. You are carrying too much. And you deserve healing too.
Shelly learned that compassion—both for herself and her family—is stronger than any anger. Now, when she feels triggered, she pauses, breathes, and remembers the light she carries inside.
Shelly’s story proves that no matter how long anger has been part of your life, you can break the cycle—and show up for your kids and grandkids with love instead of guilt.
Therapist Insight – What We See Behind the Rage
We see loving parents who are emotionally burned out at Make It Happen Hypnotherapy (MIHH). Most of them carry generational pain. Our reassurance?
You are not broken—you are navigating triggers without tools.
Our approach blends:
- Nervous system regulation: Havening and breathwork calm your body and your mind.
- Inner child healing: Hypnotherapy soothes past wounds.
- Emotional literacy: Psychotherapy teaches you how to name, understand, and express your feelings safely.
This holistic method teaches you how to control anger with kids effectively. You work through the roots to the symptoms.
In a Nutshell
You are not a bad parent if you want to learn how to control anger with kids. The fact you are reading this to change for the better shows you are already breaking the negative cycle.
You just need to be willing to reset your nervous system and make a conscious choice during your child’s demands. They need emotionally available parents who can understand them.
Are you ready to learn how to control anger with kids to create a connected harmonious family life? Book a free strategy call with MIHH’s compassionate therapists today.
FAQs
What are the Long-Term Effects of Parental Anger on Children’s Development?
Parental anger can affect a child’s emotional and psychological development negatively. Children who endure their parents’ angry outbursts may develop:
- Anxiety
- Difficulty in regulating emotions
- Lower self-esteem
It can also strain the parent-child bond. Children may not confide in their parents. Also, they might start mimicking their angry behaviour.
How Can I Differentiate Between Normal Parental Frustration and Problematic Anger That Needs Addressing?
Normal parental frustration is not usually explosive. Also, it goes away after the situation is resolved. It doesn’t harm children emotionally.
On the other hand, problematic anger is disproportionate to the situation. It happens again and again. You may scream and shame your child in anger. Also, you feel extremely guilty afterwards. You should consider professional help if your anger feels uncontrollable.
Beyond Personal Healing, What Immediate Strategies Can Help When I Feel Anger Rising During a Difficult Parenting Moment?
You can physically remove yourself from the situation. It will give you time to cool down. Also, you can practice conscious breathing exercises (like the 4-7-8 method). Furthermore, you can use grounding techniques to stay in the moment to resolve the issue. Even better, let your child know you’re taking a moment for yourself. For example, you could say, “Mummy needs a moment to calm down.” It’s a great way to model healthy coping skills for them.
